Monday, April 4, 2011

Punch Drunk Love


Friday, March 25, 2011

Sucker punch

Lemme start off by saying sucker punch is bad... now that we have cleared that up. Let's get onto why.

I'm not going to talk physics, mostly because I'm nog versed in it and its stupid to bring that into an arguement about a science fiction movie.

The basic plot involves a girl about to under go a lobomitie. I know that's spelt wrong but I'm not in the mood to google it. Suffice to say that its an opperation where by removing or damaging some brain you lose emotion. And then flashes to a burelsque house and shows that lives of some orphins and the while being sold and such. When then lern by dancing our main character learns of her quest through action hallucinations. It's a lot like Emile Autums book except not a book and far less interesting.

Our first problem is the lack of any real character devlopment. Because of that I found the not action scenes boring. This followed by over the top action reminessnent of devil may cry seemed a terrible contrast.

The only other note worthy point other then the ending is some john woo strle crows after a finishing move I just found out of place. And well I won't spoil the ending on account of people that might actually be interested in the story other then the fact that it leaves a good deal of plot holes that could have otherwise have been avoided.

Also the girl next to me kept saying nerdgasum like the movie had any sort of nerd counter culture in it.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Gnomio and Juliet

Gnomio and Juliet is the age old tale of Romeo and Juliet told from the perspective of lawn gnomes. though quite simple put, other then the fact that the female lead is named Juliet and the main characters name sounds kinda like Romeo there are almost no similarities to the Shakespeare play.

That's not entirely true. it opens with about the first 3 lines of the Opening monologue. then decides its boring and goes to 2 identical town homes, one being blue and the other being red. That is about when the similarities end. The movie itself is missing about half of its main characters. The Montague Father, the Capulet mother, merquico, or however you spell it. Benvolio is only referred to as Benny and isn't even killed, he only gets his hat removed. Basically any character not part of the 2 houses is removed.

The Characters don't even meet at a party, shes on a journey for a flower and he is just around.

Romeo fakes his death instead of being exiled and goes to talk to a statue of Shakespeare who reveals the plot.

THEY USE A GIANT TRACTOR TO START A WAR. and to top it all off in the end, everyone survives, even Tybalt get glued back together. Then they go on being purple.

On the lighter side the movie is littered with puns and half adult humor, lighter then Shrek but still noticeable. and the 3d was well done, not overly dramatic like they like to do.

in all serousness, stay with the Leonardo DiCaprio version. or if your looking for a spoof, Tales for the 1337 does a pretty good job of that and hamlet. 

Thursday, February 10, 2011

127 Hours

As per the requests of everyone I have decided to do 127 hours.

Now, this movie has everything, its got James Franko, its got scooby doo, its prety much awesome. so awesome it made my friend faint.

id also like to mention that in addition to being a little tipsy that i watch this movie like 3 months ago when it was still in limited release and am going from memory.

The movie it self is one of the best of the year. It it the story of this hiker that gets his hand stuck under a rock and it stuck there until he can free it, by which i mean a removes his arm. Its based on a book "between a rock and a hard place" which is a true story. and that is a my first problem, who titles a book that, seriously, even if its totally accurate, the first thing they teach you in school is to avoid puns. but no, he takes it literally.

As for the actual movie, it does a good job of not only keeping you interested even though the main character is stuck in one place for 90% of the movie. he goes through some psychosis. God I love spell check. and starts to hallucinate things. like this stuff Scooby Doo that i don't remember when he saw. he also envisions rain at about the same time he runs out of water and has to Bear Grillis it and drink his piss. or his premition about the future. It also does a good job of keeping you interested in when hes going to lose his arm, idk if you saw hot tub time machine but its kind alike that with the bell hop losing is arm too. You know its coming you just know know when. And when he does it he does it like a bitch, seriously he cuts through his arm down to the bone then drops his weight on it to snap the bone. He could have saved himself a lot of pain and jerked it hard in to direction of break it like that.

I digress though, I wont spoil that hand down funnies part of the movie involving the two girls he meets in the first like 10minutes of the movies. sufice to say you should see it, unless your faint of heart. It is one of the best movies of the year.

Also i need suggestions for the next review, unless you want me to do The fifth Element, because I will, I have a whole slew of Bruce Willis blu-rays. 

Wednesday, February 9, 2011


I decided on a new hook for my movie reviews, im drunk.

today I'm reviewing Sanctum This is the James Cameron Movie about caves. Now its not directed by James Cameron, it does however use his cameras so the movie itself is...pretty. the movie is generally uninteresting, it focuses on this group of spelunkers mapping out this cave in papa new guinea. its got this lovely father son bonding thing.

like most movies about such ideas, everyone dies, except for this main character, this snot nosed kid who doesn't really care about his father till he dies.

the only real part that bothered me during the movie was the female lead. she is dating the financier of the expedition and as such seems to be privileged. there is a scene where after this storm traps them in the cave that she need to put on the wetsuit because is fucking cold in the cave and she will die of hypothermia if she dosn't use it, her arguement for not doing it is because someone died in it, "id rather be cold and alive then warm and dead" as if the wetsuit is the reason this girl is dead. then later shes like "i wish i had that wetsuit" well yeah, thats why the expert diver told you to use it.

ether way, she dies because she got her hair caught in the rope, this pro climber, someone who the other guy met on Everest, GOT HER HAIR CAUGHT IN THE LINE. and when she cuts herself free she takes like 2 re breathers with her. this causes her boyfriend to go insane because the expect cave diver is more interested in living then mourning the dead.

the movie is predectable and while i got interested i was never really concerned for any of the characters nor did i really care about what seems like a "who can have the most dramatic dead" competition.

at least it was pretty, or something, it was stupid. and I'm not fixing all those lowercase I's firefox should learn to auto capitalize. and suggest fucking when i type it wrong.

seriously though, if you like caves you should probably see this movie, if you like movies don't.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Kicking things off, The Expendables.

I decided I would make my first review about a movie that I sure more people will have seen. The Expendable.

Now, I am not going to pretend that I watched this movie in the best setting. Considering that i was sitting about 20ft away from a 32in LCD TV. I was only able to grab the larger aspects of the 80's action star packed movie.

If you're looking to kick back and have a fun action movie this is probably the best fro 2010. the plot is simple and nothing really extraordinary happens to any of the characters through the movie in a character development sense. Acting on on par with what you would expect from actors like Stallone and Statham. It is directed by Stallone as well which is apparent.

The movie itself doesn't really slow down. action shots encompass most of the movie and generally switch between someone shooting a gun and something blowing up or someone getting shot.

I wont call it a bad movie because it shouldn't be classified like that. It is above all things a fun movie. I'd drink before watching it again though.